Connection to the Heart

Debs India Blog - 2018 Oct 28 - Mama Bhakti and SwatiThis picture brings many things to light for me. My purpose in coming on this solo retreat was to retreat from the world for a while. Quiet, journalling, reading, and practice were all on the menu. Perhaps also, a small ambition that I might find Samadhi or enlightenment.

While it has been all of those things, my real lesson here is connection to the heart of things. The last few days, I felt restless – more in future planning and revisiting the past. Some hidden sorrows, which arise and need some attention are welcomed.

Friday practice is Primary Series and then Satsang. It’s the beginning of the month – some students leaving, some just arriving – reminders of the changing nature of our human experience.

At the end of practice, feeling very subdued. I could sit for longer, restlessness abating for a time. I have a need for quiet – no socializing today. Words can be very powerful or empty and misleading. I only want to talk/listen to the music of heart connection.

I sit at my new breakfast place enjoying two cups of sugary coffee, eggs with hash browns, and white toast. I eat white mostly here as it is most accessible and feels safe.

I journal on today’s talk about Kriya Yoga. How tapas, svadhyaya, and Ishvara Pranidhana are what we are aligning to in the physical practice. Tapas – heat, heat, heat – there is no escaping it. You must surrender to it, and let it bring forth all that is below the surface to deepen self-reflection. Striving and ambition burn, self-absorption burns, fear burns, limiting beliefs burn. I feel like one big fire pit!

Getting back to the picture, when I arrive home, Mama Bhakti greets me. She thought I didn’t like yesterday’s lunch. She was disappointed the rice was sticky. I assured her it was very delicious and I ate it all. She also was feeling sorry that the internet hadn’t been working and thought she would give the 500 Rupees back. Of course not! I welcomed those days it was not working, as a signal to let go of my need to hook in.

Then really getting to the heart of things, she says with tears in her eyes she will miss me. Through my tears, I say the same thing.
Every day, they check in to offer lunch or just connection. Swati seems to know when I have had enough of my own company, and she is right. Her visits lighten me up. Today she finished her term, and tomorrow she promises that I can teach her yoga. Maybe Mama too.